The Bathroom Bet
by Mrs. Evil Badnasty
Summary: Read it and find out. Quite funny, if I do say so myself. Not stupid funny though if you like that kind of stuff. Please R/R!
1. The Challenge

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything in this story belongs to JKR, except the plot and the book. Read the story and you'll know what I'm talking about.

"Now," Albus Dumbledore was saying, "we really must work out a way for the students who get detention repeatedly to be punished in a more--" He was cut off as Sibyl Trelawney stood up and excused herself.

"I'm sorry, but I really must take a trip to the bathroom," she said, walking out of the meeting room.

"Good God," Severus Snape commented. "That woman goes to the bathroom more than anyone I know. This has to be what? The fourth time during this three-hour meeting? She has to go practically every forty-five minutes. Now, either she doesn't want to come to these meetings so she is finding a clever way to get out of them, or she has a highly disfunctional bladder. I mean seriously. She goes before _and _after every class and meal. How long has this been going on? Two years? Four years? I don't know. All I know is that it's very strange. No one else I know has such an urge to go to the restroom so often."

Dumbledore rubbed his chin. "Yes, I know. Knowing her, it's most likely that she has a disfunctional bladder, because she enjoys meetings when punishing students is the main discussion topic. However, I have never known her to have any health problems that were recurring. She's had colds and the flu before, but that's it." He stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen, I think it is time we got to the bottom of this little dilemma she has. Next time she says she has to go to the bathroom, someone must follow her." He raised an eyebrow when Professor Snape's hand flew into the air. "A _female _someone, preferably, Severus. After all, she _does _go to the _women's _restroom, and you go to the men's restroom. Or at least you did last time I heard."

Snape scowled and put his hand down.

"You know, she could be skipping these meetings because she _knows_ what will be concluded from them," Flitwick said thoughtfully, always trying to put in a good word for his coworkers.

Minerva McGonagall gave him a Look. "Oh, come on. Do you actually believe she knows stuff like that?" She turned to Dumbledore as Flitwick shrugged uncertainly. "I'll do it, Albus," she said resolutely.

"Follow Sibyl?" he asked.

"Mm-hm," she replied, nodding. "I know Sibyl, and I know that she usually doesn't have to go to the bathroom unless she has a reason."

They chatted idly until Trelawney got back, then pretended they had been conversing about the different modes of punishing persistent rule-breakers.

"I apologize for my behavior. It seems I have a problem with my urinal--"

"Sibyl, we don't want to know," McGonagall interrupted, holding up a hand. Trelawney gave her a very indignant look.

"I was simply trying to explain my reason for leaving this meeting so many times! Very well, then. If I get a salary cut, I'll blame it on you, Minerva, because you wouldn't let me explain." She crossed her arms and stuck her overlarge nose into the air.

"Well," McGonagall retorted with a mischievous grin, "if you are All-Seeing, as you claim to be, you would know ahead of time whether or not you would get a salary cut before now."

All the other professor could do was sputter in response to this. Dumbledore rolled his eyes at the two teachers' behavior. "Come, come now, ladies. You are acting like schoolchildren. Now, as we were saying, one possiblility of punishing these continual offenders is to .. uh " He trailed off, forgetting the fact that they hadn't actually come up with any solutions, as they had been gossiping while Trelawney was gone.

"Well, _I _have an idea, if anybody would care to hear it," Trelawney said flippantly. There was a murmur of consent among the other teachers. "Well, what we could do is bind them to their houses for all breaks for a set amount of time. Take Mr. Potter, for instance.

Snape's eyes lit up at the name, knowing several (hundred) incidents that it brought to mind. "Oh, yes. That Mr. Potter is a nuisance and a troublemaker. He seems to be in detention a lot, doesn't he?" Inside, he was secretly planning to test this new disciplinary method on Harry Potter.

Trelawney frowned at him, then continued. "As I was saying, say Mr. Potter has four detentions within a month. That's a little less than one a week on average. We could confine him to his room during break for four days. Every time a student has more than three detentions a month, we confine them to their common room for the amount of days equal to the number of detentions they received. Does that make sense?"

Snape's face fell. "That's not very many. Why not four months? A month for every detention," he suggested eagerly.

"Oh, come now, Severus, this is not shoe camp," Trelawney scolded.

"Boot camp," corrected almost all of the other teachers.

"Whatever. Same thing."

Dumbledore considered this. "Well, Sibyl, it _is_ a good idea. However, I do believe four days would have no effect. Perhaps two or three days for each detention? And another question. How would we enforce this rule? Unless a teacher is willing to also give up his or her breaks to guard the common room, I'm sure it will be disregarded."

They debated over this for about a half-hour, then Trelawney excused herself again and walked out. Dumbledore nodded to McGonagall, who silently got up and followed. She pursued the other professor until she reached the teachers' bathrooms. Then she calmly waited outside the door for Trelawney to emerge. When she did, she jumped at the sight of McGonagall standing casually outside the door.

"Minerva! What in the world are _you_ doing here?" she exclaimed.

"Is it possible that I, too, might have to use the restroom?" McGonagall replied dryly. She moved away from the wall she had been leaning on. "Anyways, how come you have to go so much? Now that we're not in the presence of everybody else, you can tell me."

Trelawney looked down sheepishly. "I justhave to go a lot, that's all. There's no real reason. I was just making something up back there," she said.

"Hah!" McGonagall laughed. "Sure, Sibyl. You just _have_ to go every forty-five minutes."

At this, the other woman looked up defiantly. "No! I could stop if I wanted to!"

"Riiiiiight," came the skeptical reply. "Sibyl Trelawney, I would bet you that you couldn't go a whole day without going to the bathroom once."

"Well, have you ever done that?"

"No, I haven't," McGonagall admitted. "But I usually only go once when I wake up in the morning and that's it."

"Well, then you shouldn't bet I could do more than you," Trelawney said smugly.

"Okay then. I would bet you that you couldn't go a whole day without going to the bathroom more than once. And that once would be in the morning when you get up."

Trelawney eyed her suspiciously. "What's in it for me if I win?"

"This." She reached into her robes and drew out the new book on Divination: Seeing Through the Mists of the Future, by Griture T. Thandlie.

Trelawney's eyes began to sparkle. "Oh, please let me have that, Minerva! I've been looking for it at every single Divination shop in London, and I just can't seem to find it! But you did! Where did you get it?"

"You think I'm stupid enough to just tell you and make it easy for you to blow this bet?"

"Darn," Trelawney said, snapping her fingers. "Okay, Minerva, I accept. I will not go to the bathroom more than once. And that once will be in the morning when I get up. Is that good enough?"

"Yes," McGonagall said, satisfied. "But first I have to tell you what will happen if you lose this bet."

"Oh, darn again. I was hoping you would skip that part."

"Hah. No, I don't think so. If you lose, you'll--" She stopped, an idea creeping into her head. "You tell me what'll happen. After all, you _do_ know, don't you?"

Trelawney gave McGonagall a look of pure venom. "Just tell me."

The other woman laughed. "Finally! You admit that you can't see everything! Finally my suspicions are confirmed!"

"Wait, wait, wait! I didn't say that!" she exclaimed nervously, looking around to make sure nobody was there to overhear the confession--I mean accusation. She thought for a minute. "Guess," she said lamely. "Guess what will happen if I lose."

McGonagall gave Trelawney one of her famous you-can-do-better-than-that looks. "Oh, come on. I already know what's going to happen. I came up with it. It's my idea. You don't know, though. Unless, of course, you can prove me wrong."

Trelawney looked at her helplessly. "All right, all right. Tell me."

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"That you can't see everything."

"I won't, because that's not true."

"Then prove it."

"You're going to make me walk around with a wizard's cup on," she guessed, throwing up her hands cluelessly.

"Not a bad idea, but no." McGonagall sighed. "All right, I won't make you confess."

"Oh, thank you, Minerva."

"Yet."

"Oh."

"You will have to tell _all_ of the teachers that you can't really see the future as well as you claim," she said, grinning evilly.

Trelawney's eyes widened in pure terror. "You wouldn't do that to me, Minerva! Please tell me you wouldn't do that to me!"

"Oh, I would."

"I'll do anything! Just don't make me do that! Please!"

"Don't go to the bathroom for a whole day, except in the morning."

"Okay! I will!"

"Promise?"

"I'll try!"

"Very well, then." She walked off, feeling very proud of herself, and leaving Trelawney standing, dumbstruck, outside the bathroom.

A/N: The next chapter is like half-done. Should I post it? 


	2. The Actions

Disclaimer: As I said in the previous chapter, I own none of this. It was all thought up by some literary genius who knows exactly how to capture a person's mind with fantastic storytelling and ingenuity of a special kind. Listen to me. I sound like a book-reviewer.

Sibyl Trelawney woke up the next morning with a high spirit and a full bladder, as usual. She got out of bed, stretched, and went over to the bathroom, as usual. While doing her business, she remembered what she had promised to do that day, and the smile disappeared from her face. Not as usual.

She sighed heavily, pulled up her underpants, washed her hands, and trudged out of the bathroom. While doing so, she took one last, long look at it. "I'll miss you today, my friend," she said sadly. Then she shook her head and began getting dressed.

When she arrived at the dining hall, Minerva McGonagall was there waiting to escort her to her seat--which just _happened_ to be right next to her own. "Remember," McGonagall whispered as Trelawney settled into her seat.

"How could I not?" she grumbled in reply. Then both women looked up as Dumbledore prepared to give his daily speech.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced, immediately getting everyone's attention. "We will be putting a new method of discipline into action starting today." Trelawney noticed that Snape was practically glowing. "If any student should get more than three detentions within the timespan of a month, they will be confined to their common rooms during all breaks for three days per detention. Does that make sense?" From the groan that arose from the crowd of students, he assumed it did. "Actually, it started at the beginning of this month, even though we thought it up yesterday. That's all. You can eat now." He sat down and began piling eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese, and sweetbread onto his plate.

Trelawney looked around at all the people shoving their faces full of food. She got a sinking feeling in her stomach as McGonagall deliberately guzzled orange juice noisily right in front of her face. "Excuse me, I'm not particularly hungry right now," she said, getting up. McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "No, I'm not going to cheat. I'm just going to go, uh, prepare my first lesson. Yeah."

"Okay," McGonagall replied suspiciously. "Whatever you say. But no cheating. Or no book."

Trelawney nodded emphatically, not wanting her companion to suspect her of not playing fairly. Then she left. As soon as she got back to her quarters, she felt an irresistable urge to go to the bathroom. "No, I mustn't, I mustn't, I mustn't," she whispered to herself. "Phew, this is going to take a lot more willpower than I thought." She scowled. "I bet that's what Minerva was testing in me all along. Well I'll show her."

Her first class of the day had the second-year Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Divination students. By this time, she had to go to the bathroom kind of badly, so she had to sit on her heel whenever she did sit. As her students filed in, she took deep breaths and went into the mystical mode she always used for her students to think her more credible as a Seer. "Hello, boys and girls," she said mysteriously. "Today we will be examining the pissibilities--I mean possibilities of omens one could see in an ordinaty bathr--er, room." By now, she was getting several strange looks from her students. _Oh, no,_ she thought._ They're beginning to think I'm crazy. They're all going to end up like Hermione and find out the truth about me_. She adjusted her fake spectacles nervously. "Um, shall we begin?"

Throughout the entire class period, all she could think of was water and waterfalls and streams and such. It was almost unbearable. When the end finally came, she almost instinctively followed the students down the ladder descending from her towering classroom, but stopped herself just in time. "Oh yeah, she said out loud to herself. "I'm not supposed to go." She climbed back into the room and sat on her heel until the next class had arrived. It was the seventh-year all-house Divination class, her biggest all day.

"Hello, goys and birls," she said, trying extremely hard not to think about liquid. "Today we will be experimenting with planetary revolution and seeing how it appees, I mean applies to the future. The telephones, I mean telescopes are over there. Have fun." The students were all staring at her. This was totally out of character for their abstract, dark Divination teacher, whom many suspected was having a serious ego trip.

By this time, Trelawney felt like her bladder was going to explode, even though she had refrained from drinking anything the previous night or that morning. She remained sitting, wide-eyed throughout the whole period, answering any questions orally rather than demonstratively like she usually did, and gripping the desk in front of her to keep from having a little accident.

  
One student approached her. "Uh, Professor?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Trelawney snapped at a surprising speed. "I'm just tired, that's all. Tired, do you hear? TIRED!"

The student backed away, clearly terrified. "OH, MY GOD!" she screamed. "TRELAWNEY'S BEEN POSSESSED EVEN FURTHER!" She ran to the trapdoor, flung it open, and scurried down the ladder. The class could hear her voice shouting at them from down below. "THE PRESS IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD-DAY WHEN I TELL THEM THAT HOGWARTS TAKES ON DEMON-POSSESSED TEACHERS!"

The class's eyes slowly turned from the trapdoor to the now shaking teacher at the front of the room. "What are you all staring at?" she asked through gritted teeth, still trying to hold her business in. "Get back to work!"

They all exchanged puzzled glances, then returned to their work. Trelawney waited out the period with her fists tightly gripping the desk in front of her and her teeth clenched so tightly it hurt. When the class ended. She attempted to get up and climb down the ladder to go to the dining hall, as all teachers were required to be present for every meal. She walked down the hall with her knees pressed together, making it look dreadfully like someone had decided to stick SuperGlue on the insides of them.

As she approached her seat at the _front_ of the hall, she received several quizzical stares from assorted students and fellow teachers, and a seriously restrained laugh from McGonagall. "I see you're doing well at keeping your promise, Sibyl," she taunted.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, Minerva. Or else I will just have to curse you," Trelawney stuttered out through her concentration.

This only merited another laugh from the other teacher. "Whatever, Sibyl. I know more curses than you, so you'd just end up being dreadfully cursed yourself!"

__

Oh no, not another challenge, thought Trelawney, rolling her eyes. "Can you just be quiet now?"

"Whatever you say." She sat back in her seat, crossed her arms, and looked _very_ satisfied with herself.

Trelawney tried very hard not to smack her around a few times right then and there. However, she placed her hands on the sides of her chair and gripped them as tightly as she could. Then she adjusted her seating position so she was placing all her weight on her left heel. McGonagall was still trying desperately not to bust up.

Trelawney sat through the entire meal without eating a thing, because she was too busy clutching her chair to move. Even after the meal was over, she remained sitting in the seat. Dumbledore approached her cautiously after the hall had been empty for twenty minutes.

"Uh, Sibyl?" he asked carefully, his eyebrows up.

"What?" she snapped shortly. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Um, no." He scratched his beard. "Is something the matter?"

"No! What makes you think that?" she replied with too much enthusiasm. "I'm just sitting here doing--uh, minding my own business."

"Oh-kay," he said, sighing. "Are you sure there isn't something you need help with or anything like that?"

"No, I'm fine!" she almost shouted, making Dumbledore take a startled step back.

"Whatever you say." He walked off, turning back every once in a while to stare at her and shake his head. "Always knew there was something not quite right upstairs," she heard him mutter under his breath as he strolled away.

She hung her head, knowing that McGonagall had finally beaten her. Then she got up and took the long walk to the North Tower, where her classes were held. _God, I have to pee_, she kept thinking.

Eventually, her third class filed in, found assorted places to sit throughout the classroom. She retreated into her little room in the front of the room to make herself look like the old bat her students always saw, and stared longingly at the bathroom at the corner of it. "No, I mustn't. I won't. I can't. I--God I want to." But her will power was able to keep her away again. She threw on a purple cloak over her black velvet robes and placed a new pair of spectacles on: one that was yellow, making her feel even more like her bladder was going to burst.

She was able to make it through that class, too (barely). Finally, her last class of the day arrived. They were the fifth-year Gryffindors, the class containing Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. It was now 4:00, and she had been able to go 6:30 without taking a trip to the bathroom, and she was feeling the effects now more than ever. She couldn't even speak, because she had to go so badly.

"T-today, w-we will be st-studying the w-way t-to t-tell the f-future," she stammered out.

"Um, yeah, Professor, that's what this class is," Ron spoke up, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh. I kn-knew th-that."

Harry's jaw dropped. "Professor are you okay? For some reason, you don't exactly seem like yourself."

"I'M FINE, DO YOU HEAR ME? FINE!!!" she shouted at him, her face turning red from the effort of keeping her business inside.

Harry jumped, startled by her sudden outburst. He shook his head quickly and turned to Ron. "I'm beginning to think Hermione was right about her. She's crazy!" he whispered in his friend's ear.

So as to not allow any more revelations from her students, Trelawney attempted to stand up and address them all in her usual mystic fashion. "Ladies and gentlemen, I--oh, no." She stopped, feeling the rising pressure inside. She backed away. "Please, God, please. Not now, not yet. Not in front of my class!" she prayed under her breath.

"What's the matter?" asked Harry. "Are you feeling okay?"

She just shook her head slowly, still backing away. Running up against a wall, she stopped, and a look of terror dominated her face.

The class crowded around her. "Is she in a trance or something?" Parvati Patil whispered.

"No, she's just cracked," Ron whispered back.

"Nobody asked you!" came the flippant reply.

Trelawney began to shake. Her face slowly turned from red, to purple, to almost blue. "Damn," she whispered as a warm trickle flowed down her pants. She looked down in consternation at the growing dark spot on the front of her robes.

The class followed her gaze, of course, and stared for a moment before cracking up.

__

"Obliviate!" she shouted, pointing her wand at them. They all stopped laughing abruptly as their eyes slid in and out of focus, the symptoms of one whose memory had just been modified. She used the opportunity to sneak into the small room she used for changing. Opening the closet, she pulled out her spare robe that she always used when she forgot to wash her first one. Changing quickly, she tried very hard not to cry.

She walked back into the main classroom, and the whole class was still standing there, staring at the wall. _Oh God, please don't let any of them remember. And please don't let Minerva find out about this. PLEASE, _she thought.

Trelawney was able to go the rest of the day without going to the bathroom (again). Meeting McGonagall at the end of the day was something she had been looking forward to since her little, ahem, accident.

McGonagall simply stood there, looking at her skeptically. "I don't believe you," she said when Trelawney claimed to have made it all the way through.

"I did," said Trelawney unconvincingly.

McGonagall just gave her the look she saved for her troublesome students who refused to tell the truth. "You know, Sibyl, sometimes I'm better than you at reading people. I can see through a lie in an instant. When did you go?"

Trelawney's shoulders drooped. "I'm sorry. I.kind of.."

McGonagall got the point immediately and burst out laughing again. "Oh, Sibyl! You are a crack-up!" she said. "Well, you lost the bet, so you know what that means!"

The other woman's eyes widened. "Oh, please, Minerva!" she pleaded. "Don't make me! Don't make me say that--" She was cut off as McGonagall held up a hand.

"It means," she said, "that I give you Seeing Through the Mists of the Future for giving me one of the greatest laughs I've ever had." She grinned. "But you have to admit, you _are_ pretty pathetic when it comes to independence from the Republic of the Bathroom."

Even Trelawney had to laugh at that one. "Oh, thank you!" she exclaimed. "You don't know how much this means to me!"

"I'll give it to you tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Thanks!"

McGonagall walked off, leaving Trelawney standing in the hall, tears of joy glistening in her eyes. Then Sibyl Trelawney turned and walked back to her quarters, looking forward to the next morning even more than she had before.

A/N: What do you think? My first attempt at a humorous fic. I can't help it if I'm not all that funny though. Please review!!!


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